French practice leads to french nostalgia

I don't have lots of good friends near to me, just a couple, but these are true and honest to me, kindhearted, loyal, and grateful. And I couldn't ask for anything more, all I want it's their happiness, I want to give them joy, love and encouragement, inspiration...I always struggle to make their life a bit better.

That's presicely why I really don't like to talk about the bad or sad things that happens in my life, and I prefer to reserve my private life for myself. And to come and talk with my friends just about fun or cool things, things I like, things that we have in common, stufff like that. Because I wouldn't like to transmit them my sadness, so I usually...deal with my life problems alone...

But there are times where I have lots of stuff in my head and I need to talk about it, but I'm not sure if somebody is willing to listen, if someone would want to listen...if someone actually cares about what happens to me...or if it is appropiate that I talk about stuff cos it's personal!

So that's In part why I made this blog, cos I think this is the better way to clean your mind of what bothers you or worries you, what makes you feel sad.

Cos if people don't care about me and what happens in my life, they just will not read it. If people care, they will read it and they will offer me comfort and understanding then.

At the same time, I've been carrying a sort of  "journal" I keep to myself, just so I can organize my feelings thoughts and deal with some painful situation that I've been having to cope with...but that is stuff nobody will ever read other than me, and maybe in the future...the person I'm talking of in this quote taken from it.
But I'm not sure if I'd ever show him that either....cos I never would want to make this person sad either!

And the only reason for posting a bit of it now,  is cos I think doing this might make this unbearable pain I have in my heart to cease a bit...
This quote talks about someone I'm missing...a person who meant too much for me...and now it's not here.

Now I feel..like when someone who is blind, then gets surgery and comes to see, just to discover a bit later he or she is loosing the vision again, and they end up being bling again...and this is so frustrating because, being blind for a lifetime it's one thing you can get used to, but being blind, then being able to see, and then become blind again...it's something that can make anybody go nuts from desperation and sadness! *sigh*....that's how I feel....And for not going nuts from the pain...that's why I'm writting a bit about it....

Ah! Or  a better methaphor!... I feel like someone loses his legs and hands in an accident, or when a beloved one die....then people tell them "but you're alive, you can still do great things" "just forget everything that you lost and be happy".
But...no matter how often other people say that life is the same....you know in the inside it's not the same!!...You know in your heart THINGS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!!!....and you will never be as happy as you were when you had this person in your life,  because you've lost an important part of yourself!!!....

That's precisely how I feel. So now I feel...
.....I feel I just survive...I don't live....I know my life will never be the same without him...
 

 "Today I was watching a french show in it's original version, cos I wanted to do at least some progress in the learning of the language.  Now I'm free again and I have managed to get my computer back.  
It's been some months since he gone, so I thought it was going to be a bit less hurtful to write in french again...or listen it...But no I cannot listen it....It hurts too much to hear french again...because everything I heard in french, at a point inevitably reminds me of him...and the fact that he's gone....

Me, being a foreign and not being able to take french classes for lack of money and lack of french classes in my town...how I even dared to think that I was going to learn french one day?!...How?!...I was too naive...Now I see...it's impossible...

The other day we were at dinner, and my family was talking, and they commented that my sister knew french and they were proud of her (she assisted to classes cos my parents payed them) I told them I knew a bit and was learning as a self-taught learner, they wanted me to prove it...

But even if I know I do!...a bit...Even if I can understand some of the stuff that I can hear when I try to watch stuff, I am too shy to actually speak it. So I said nothing...and I left them to think that I didn't know... Maybe I never will be able to actually learn well, to have the courage to speak it again...because once I did it...for him...

All I know, it's that was way easier when he used to help me with this...when I read his comments, when I asked him a couple of doubts I had about french,  I felt like I learned a bit everyday! I felt I actually learned!!!...Now I feel I no longer enjoy the french as I used too...I feel nostalgic every time I hear or even read something in french...I feel I miss him terribly!...

I feel a very nostalgic now that, I looked for something about him, and I realized there was nothing about him on the web...virtually nothing!! It breaks my heart to discover that his amazing work, and the amazing comments he posted in reply of my comments are no longer there. They aren't even in google cache...and one would think they should be in the google cache!!...

I guess, what happened it's that it passed too much time before I could be able to come back to go online...because my family realized what happend at the end, and they got hysteric...and they were watching me....until now that things have come back to normal...

That's why I had no chance to save the comments he did to me, and meant too much for me, before they dissapeared. Now I feel devasted to realize the comments dissapeared, as they were truly cool and interesting comments!"

It's funny that a bit later, when I was writting on google "how to recover google cache" some of the things google suggested were...ironic titles...I'd rather not comment why...let's just say I just stopped this search of how to recover google cache. Of course, cos I realized I wasn't going to get any success with that.
The rest of the quote.

"Well..all I would like and I wish deep in my heart, it's to see him again to know if he's ok! Because I do care about him. Because I know we have lots of things in common! Because we have pretty much similar personalities and so I know we both can share our fears, dreams and hopes, live great adventures together!

 So, I just would like to make him laugh and talk about cool things with him, like celtic music and videogames,  photography and other kinds of art. I just want a real friend at this point, someone who I can feel safe and share my life with...à quelqu'un avec ce qui marcher dans la vie! As he said once.

I wish he could come back...I want him be part of my life again, to make sure that he's happy and full!"