Rambling on Valentine's day

I know I shouldn't have come visit dA yesterday, cos I have lots and lots and lots of homework still....but sometimes....I feel lonely...

Specially since my classmates stopped being nice and became cold and aphatic :(

I realized yesterday, that when the few friends you have are far far away from where you live, its hard to conserve them...because sometimes I have no time to give them all the attention they deserve and need, and then...I guess that's why they go away and and lose contact....

What I saw yesterday, it's that no matter how much I struggle to tell my friends how much I appreciate them, most of them don't seem to know! Because no matter how much I send them messages showing I care of them, some of them don't even drop me a message, or WORSE! They always are giving love to other people who don't care about them!!!

They have an special bonding with other people and give gifts to others, they chat with other people and sent valentine cards to other people, put other people special "affectionate names" and not to me *sigh*...and to me, they treat me as a casual friend.....I have the feeling they don't trust on me enough to get their emotions involved on me....like if I was a machine or something like that...

...It's a feeling deep inside which I can't get rid of....a feeling that breaks my heart and haunts me, chases me like a lot of angry bees wanting to bite me...

I'm not saying that everybody it's like that, don't worry. There are a couple of great friends I have, who genuinely care of me and treat me like a dear friend ^^ Specially and mostly my dear friend and mentor Jame.

But sometimes...I see the others who don't treat me like a dear friend but only a casual friend, and makes me think if I'm not doing a good job as a friend, as a support for the people I love!..do I?...

It makes me also think if most of they people who I consider friends of mine are not, and all that it's an illusion....Or how can I know that?...

Or maybe I'm just worrying too much because I know I haven't had much time for my friends in these months, and I fear to lose them, I worry they might feel unloved or neglected.

But I think I should relax and try to stay cool like that. And if I do that, probably to make friends and to have a strong conection with people would be a lot easier. After all, trust on people doesn't earn on one day or two, and there are some people who are more reserved and mistrustful than others.
For example, I have 3 years with a friend who still doesn't tell me her real name or where she lives XD....I wouldn't pressure her though. I think she will when she feels confident to do it. She have had some bad experiences with people so I understand her.

So I think they will get close to me when feel ready. Yeah because, the friends I've had a real connection to, when that happened it have happpened spontaneously. I mean, I didn't need to struggle much or think much of it or doing "extraordinary things" or anything like that. It just...happened because it was constructed day by day! :) Through the time when we talked and shared ideas and feelings, our similar tastes and other stuff. And the frienship grew up as a beautiful flower that was born in the wild, because I was like I usually am; I was helpful, laidback, always caring, friendly and positive.

One time when I was a lot younger, a friend of mine gave me this wise advice. He said I should value and love myself first, before pouring my love to others, and that that will attract good people to my life. One day some time ago, I remember he said:

"if you poured love on yourself as much as you are capable to love other people, and focus on your qualities rather than your faults, as you do with everybody else...if you weren't too hard with yourself, then it would be a lot easier to attract good people and be friends with it!" 

And that's true, it's a wise advice I put into practic since then:)

Problem is that I do love myself now, cos I've matured and learned through the experience and now I'm confident and have more self steem. But I'm still too hard with myself when I make mistakes, also when things don't come out as fast as I would like, then I get  desperated! Like yesterday for example, when seeing people giving valentine's cards and giftart and calling them affectionate names, and to me..nothing!

But well, that's something I must improve, I should be more patient and concentrate to give love to myself more. That will make me a more confident person and thus will help to make the people I want to befriend to be more comfortable with me and trust on me. I think they just need more time....and I wouldn't like to be "a push off", that's never nice.